


Day to Die

by Suzaku (foxjar)



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Requited Love, Romance, Self-Harm, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 05:30:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17156120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxjar/pseuds/Suzaku
Summary: Suzaku wants to kiss Lelouch before the Zero Requiem.





	Day to Die

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [15 Minute Ficlet's](https://15-minute-fic.livejournal.com/) prompts: voluntary, and garble.

The first time Suzaku tries to kiss his emperor, Lelouch twists in his arms, desperate for escape. When pushing at Suzaku’s chest fails him — he could never surpass Suzaku’s physical strength — he squeezes his eyes shut and turns his head away.

Suzaku stares at him. If Lelouch really did not want this, he would have barked an order at his knight to release him. Lelouch gives no such order; instead, his body slackens in Suzaku’s arms. His knight keeps him steady, his hands gripping Lelouch’s shoulders tightly, but now, he is unsure on how to proceed.

He knows Lelouch wants to kiss him. Suzaku has wanted the same thing for so long, and he can still feel the desire burn, even after so much pain. They are running out of time, and yet Lelouch decides to be difficult, of course. How very like Lelouch to fight until the bitter end.

 _Will he let me kiss him the moment before I run him through with my sword?_   Suzaku wonders. _Or maybe after, when he’s bleeding to death in my arms?_

When Suzaku looks at Lelouch’s face, his eyes finally beginning to open, looking off into nothingness, Suzaku understands the reality set before him.

_Lelouch will never let me kiss him. He knows it would hurt me too much. Just one taste, and it’d be gone. And I can’t be having any second thoughts. Not now._

But Suzaku has been second-guessing himself for years. Regret oozes from him like a wound that never heals, and despite knowing that the Zero Requiem is right — just like killing his father was right — it is also wrong; so very wrong.

If Suzaku could have just one evening with Lelouch, like he has always dreamt of, it would be enough. He tells himself this over and over as Lelouch sags in his arms: _if we could be together for a single night, it would be worth it to me. It would all be worth it to know you’ve felt the same._

It is a lie born of desperation.

_Lelouch. Look at me. Please._

_At least tell me I’m wrong. Tell me I’m overstepping my bounds as your knight._

_Reject me._

When Suzaku speaks, he finds his throat dry and raw as he forces out his inane request:

“Tell me you never loved me, Lelouch.”

Violet eyes turn toward him now, after what has felt like an eternity. Lelouch’s mouth opens, then closes, as he chews over his words. Suzaku wishes Lelouch would give him every minuscule thought and idea that comes to him, because soon, he will not have this anymore; the living, breathing, love of his life that has shattered his heart into so many pieces, time and time again.

“Would that make this any easier?” Lelouch’s voice is low, but still woven with just a hint of smugness; the kind that Lelouch cannot hide when he thinks he is still one step ahead.

“No,” Suzaku admits. “It wouldn’t.”

“Then I won’t waste my breath,” Lelouch mutters, taking advantage of his knight’s crumbling resolve to tear himself away.

* * *

_Stupid Suzaku. How could he ask me something like that?_

Though Suzaku had held his clothed shoulders, the skin beneath still seems to burn. Lelouch tears off his clothes once he is in the privacy of his own chambers, and he scratches at the skin until bits of blood are caked beneath his fingernails.

_This is real. I’m still alive._

Lelouch crawls into his bed — too large, too extravagant, and so lonely. If he had complied with Suzaku’s advances, he would not be alone here now. If he had told the truth, he would be kissing Suzaku instead of sobbing into his pillow. He screams into the fabric to drown out the sound as he weakly beats at the mattress with his clenched fist.

It would not have changed anything if he had been truthful. He is still a dead man, and Suzaku still wants to die. Confessing his feelings now would be like using his Geass on Suzaku: well-intentioned, but painful for both of them. And Lelouch is tired of pain; tired of it stretching his soul so thin, he has become threadbare.

Lelouch will die a stubborn man, still deeply in love. It is a final curse that he will bestow upon his knight — like the role of Zero, and his command to “live.”

“I love you, Suzaku,” he says into his pillow, his body still trembling. “I loved you even when you betrayed me. I’ve always loved you, and I’ve never stopped.”

_Even when I wished I could._

The words are free now, even if there is no one to hear them; no one to record this particular bit of history. No one will sing songs of their doomed love — Lelouch will be remembered as the vile emperor he had to become.

Maybe Suzaku will find happiness someday. Maybe he will find love, and a family; someone who will kiss him and not shy away from his touch. It has to be someone who will tell Suzaku that they love him everyday, Lelouch decides.

_That’s what I would have done._

Unlike with so many others, it is not too late. Suzaku is still by his side.

_That’s what I should have done._

Lelouch leaves his bedroom and makes his way toward Suzaku’s room. He touches the wood of the door tenderly, as if he will be able to hold the memory with him after he is gone.

When Suzaku opens the door, he steps back in shock. Lelouch is not sure how long he has been standing here; wanting, but not willing to ask. It is not in him to demand anything of Suzaku, either. Not anymore.

Although Lelouch ran out of tears, he can still feel the wetness on his cheeks. His eyes must be red and puffy — an absurd sight — but he does not turn away now.

He cannot blame Suzaku for watching him warily, his fists clenched at his sides as he must be wondering why Lelouch is even here. Lelouch is not sure that he could answer that; at least not with the words he has always cherished. He reaches out to cup Suzaku’s cheek, and he almost starts crying again, because he does not want to die. Suzaku’s skin is life beneath his fingertips, and it makes his chest swell with emotion as he lets out a choked breath.

“Don’t make me regret this,” Lelouch says, as if he has much time left to even reflect on the situation.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Their first kiss is slow and awkward; for once, Lelouch is kissing someone back. He is tilting his head and meshing his lips with Suzaku’s. It is both the most wondrous feeling, and the saddest.

Suzaku is holding the back of his head in place, fingers twirling through his hair. He pulls him closer, closer, until their bodies are crushed against each other. Lelouch can feel Suzaku’s heartbeat through his chest; so fast, so loud.

_I’ve missed so much. So much life._

Their first kiss is not their last. Lelouch pushes Suzaku back into his room, and they kiss for hours in bed until the sun comes up. He has never felt so loved — so adored, and yet so despised — as he does when Suzaku holds him, his touches growing less and less careful as his frustration boils over. A hard tug of Lelouch’s hair, a sharp bite on his lip; Lelouch succumbs to it all.

Lelouch wishes he had more time, but he supposes this is not the worst way to end his life. They re-adjust their clothes after breaking apart, and Lelouch looks into Suzaku’s eyes, brimming with tears.

 _It’s a fine day to die_ , Lelouch thinks.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy holidays! I've been writing a ton of suzalulu lately, so I wanted to share a bit. 
> 
> I was so close to not having them kiss in the end, but I'm glad I did.


End file.
